A goodbye to something that never was
by santaana
Summary: A one shot placed after s04e06 *spoilers* Chandler flees up on the roof and Kent goes looking for him.


**This is my first fanfic. After reading all of your lovely stories I just had to try to write one myself. I ****guess it's my goodbye to the series and to Chandler and Kent. I just thought Kent deserved a bit of closure.**  
Please** bear with my mistakes, I don't think there is many of them, but english is not my first language.**

* * *

Chandler was standing alone up on the roof as he so often did when he needed to gather himself. Yet again the detective inspector was fighting the feeling of loss and failure. Kent walked slowly up to him, not quite sure he should. After receiving the news of the death of the Abrahamians, Chandler had left the incident room in a hurry. As Kent himself was leaving the station he saw that Chandler's car still was in its parking space. Knowing just how upset his boss must have been after failing to bring the killers to the justice yet again, Kent went looking for him. Chandler shouldn't be alone at a time like this, he thought, it wouldn't be good for him.

When Chandler heard footsteps behind him he turned to see who was coming.

-"Ah", he said, "it's you".

His voice was so strained, so exhausted. But the words were sharp like daggers to Kent's skin. Was Chandler disappointed to see him?  
It had been a mistake to go after him. They didn't have that type of relationship, not any more. To be honest Kent didn't know if they ever had it. Since the death of Morgan Chandler had hardly spoken to him if it wasn't to order him around. He avoided eye contact and the encouraging '_good work'_ had almost stopped. Those two little words that had become so important to Kent. Sometimes he felt like he could do anything just to hear them. He needed them like he needed air.

- "You want me to leave, sir? Should I get Miles"?

- "No no, not at all". Chandler sighed and turned his eyes upwards. "You can help me find the stars", he said. "There are no stars tonight. I can't remember when last time I saw stars", he mumbled.

Kent went up next to Chandler, standing so closed as he dared without actually touching the other man.

- "Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art. Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night. And watching, with eternal lids apart", Chandler quietly recited.

-"Keats?" asked Kent and looked attentively at his superior. Chandlers behaviour struck Kent as odd. Standing on a rooftop looking for stars and quoting Keats? Had the stress of the last case made Chandler lose it completely?

Chandler nodded.

- "My father loved Keats. Such a contradicting thing actually. He was such a no-nonsense copper, couldn't say two kind words put together to me but he always read me the odes. I kept reading them after his death, I suppose it made me feel a bit closer to him."

Chandler laughed coldly.

- "Still, a strange thing for a ten-year old boy to read, isn't?

Kent didn't know what to say, didn't dare to speak. Chandler had never been this open with him before, never shared something so private. It was a privileged only bestowed upon Miles. Kent was afraid of say anything or do anything that would make the blond man beside him stop talking. There had been a few such moments before, small ones, as the time at John Williams's crossroad where Chandler gone out of his way to comfort Kent and make him feel better. A little thing to anyone else perhaps but for Kent it was a precious memory.

- "Do you believe in the after life, DC Kent"?

The question took him by surprise. Chandler lowered his gaze to the younger man, waiting for an answer.

- "I don't know sir. Haven't thought much about it. I live more in the now I guess".

- "Mmm". Chandler seemed to get lost in his own thoughts.

- "I have an aunt that's psychic". Kent said almost rushed, unwilling to let Chandler close himself off. He wanted to hear more about the man, his life, his inner thoughts. Kent was longing to be close to him. Not just physically, although he wanted that as well. But even more he longed to be Chandler's confidant. To play the role that Miles was allowed to play. Although Kent wouldn't try to throw Chandlers in to the arms of every woman he met as Miles did.  
If Kent had to admit it, and he didn't much care to, he was jealous of Miles. Even if his two superiors had started out hating each other there now was closeness and affection between them. Chandler relied on Miles in a way that made every inch of Kent's body ache.

- "An aunt who is a psychic", Chandler chuckled and smiled at Kent. "I guess I have to call her next time".

- "I wouldn't. She's quite mad".

A big laugh echoed into the night. One of those few laughs of Chandler's that turned all of his blond head into a sun beam and made beautiful laugh lines appear over his face. It always made Kent's heart skip a beat.

Chandler bent down to lift up a bottle of vodka that was standing by his feet, still quietly laugh to himself. Ah, thought Kent, there's the reason for Chandlers openness.

- "That's something to drink for isn't? To mad relatives". Chandler lifted the bottle in a cheer, and then put up to his mouth. He drank big gulps straight from the bottle.

- "I see you didn't wait for the rest of us to have that drink."

- "I would offer you", said Chandler holding the bottle up to Kent's face. "But I can't you know, all neuroses up here". Chandler tapped his temple with the bottle.

- "Sir, don't say that. You know it isn't true".

Chandler almost giggled.

- "Ah my own dear little DC. Always supporting me. Always in my corner". Chandler turned all his body to face Kent, looking at him fondly. "Always on the other side of that glass wall looking out for me, aren't you, cheering me on".

How much had Chandler had to drink? Quite a lot it seemed. He knew Chandler self-medicated, as he put it, and Kent didn't care for it. It didn't suite the man. But then again, if the alcohol made Chandler put his guard down like this, then Kent loved. If it kept the older man speaking then by all means let him drink forever.

- "You and I we've been through a lot, haven't we"? Chandler spoke slowly, reminiscing with half a smile in the corner of his mouth. "And I keep finding myself apologizing too you."

- "That's not true sir. I'm the one doing the apologizing." Kent's mouth went suddenly dry and for some reason the air became very thick and hard to breath.

- "I wonder why that is", Chandler said with a soft voice, taking no note of Kent's words. Chandler smiled sadly with his eyes locked at the smaller man standing next to him. "Why do I keep disappointing you Kent?"

- "Sir! You don't! That's not..."

- "First with the Krays, then with Morgan. And now yet again I have proven to be a great failure, haven't I?"

- "It wasn't your fault, sir. It never was".

Hearing Chandler mentioning the Krays and even more so Morgan made Kent tense up and he had to push down the sting of anger that swelled up inside of him. Lately Kent had felt angry at everything and everyone. He had a flame inside of him that could ignite by the smallest things. It had started during the Kray case and just gotten worse.  
Sometimes he felt it was all Chandlers fault. All the pining and longing for him had taken its toll on the younger man. Pushed him in to a dark place where he want to break, hit and sometimes even hurt. When Chandler showed indifference or distrust towards him, the DC wanted to make others feel the darkness that was eating him up from inside.  
It was getting better though. He felt a little less anger every day, he could control it a little more but it was still there.

- "When I first came to Whitechapel , Chandler continued not letting Kent interfere with his line of thought, I tried so hard to be the man you thought I was. Tried to be whole and functioning. But life kept coming in the way making it impossible for me."

Chandler fixed his gaze out over the city again. His voice had a trembler to it, which left Kent all confused and dizzy. What was happening? Chandler trying to live up to his expectations? Chandler constantly disappointing Kent? Wasn't the other way around? He started to get fluster. God, how could it be so warm this time of night?

- "Sir?" he asked.

- "You idolized me. I could feel it. I liked it. It made me work harder, try more. If I was a hero to you maybe I could be one in the eyes of other people as well. Be one in my own eyes. The way you looked at me made me feel not so completely wrong for this job." Chandler sighed and put his left hand over his face, rubbing his eye for a second before the hand contained through his blond hair, leaving it ruffed up and out of placed.

Kent's heart pounded like never before. His blood rushed through him with such a speed and warmth that he felt like his whole body was going to dissolve into the thin air. What was Chandler actually saying? Kent felt a small hope tingling in his heart.

They had both been standing quietly for a while, lost in their own thoughts, when Chandler suddenly broke the silence.

- "I am sorry she came between us Kent, I truly am. And I'm sorry I didn't trust you when you never have offered me anything but absolute support. It was all my fault, and mine alone."

Morgan again, always Morgan. Kent still couldn't think of her and of the bogeyman case without gut crunching feeling of guilt and relief. Guilt for her death and relief that she was out of Chandlers life, all wrapped up in one devastating feeling.

- "You still miss her." Kent hoped he didn't sound as disappointed as he felt.

Chandler laughed, or was it a sigh? Kent didn't know what to call the sound that the air made when it left Chandlers lips.

- "How can you miss something that never was? That never happened?" Chandler said looking so incredible sad that Kent had a hard time not wrapping his arms around him. Kent wanted to comfort him, to give him strength, to be there for him. He yearned to show Chandler that he wasn't as alone as the other man thought.

- "Believe me, you can." Kent whispered so low that he didn't think Chandler could hear him.

- "No, I don't miss her", Chandler continued. "I didn't even know her. But I miss the possibility of feeling better that she gave me. The idea that someone could understand me and help me."

Again the anger started to claw on Kent's inside. I understand you, you tosser, he wanted to scream, as he had wanted so many other times before when Chandler where talking this way, make himself out to be unbearable and utterly complicated. How was it that this smart and in-depth man couldn't see that Kent understood everything and still felt like he did, like Kent always had felt about him? I would be so good for you if you just let me.

- "I'm leaving Whitechapel."

Chandlers words immediately threw Kent out of his thoughts and made him go instantly cold.

- "What," he whispered. "Nooo."

- "I've already talked to Commander Anderson. He will help me to transfer, for old times sake I guess. It's not a promotion, that ship has sailed a long time ago. But I can't stay in Whitechapel anymore. I should never have come here. I'm a paper and PR type. I should never have led all those cases. How many people haven't died because of me? I'm the curse of Whitechapel, the demon Wingfield was looking for."

Chandler stopped his monologue to gulp down some more vodka. He did it in such haste that some of it spilled, drizzling down his lip and chin. Kent looked at the liquid trying to understand the words Chandler was saying. Leaving Whitechapel? Leaving him?

Chandler wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. A gesture very unlike him. A sign that he was getting drunk.

- "When?" The word was the only one Kent managed to get out. His throat closed up and he could hardly breathe.

To think just a few hours ago everything looked so differently. Pushed on by Mansell's words Kent had asked Chandler out for a drink. He meant to say with us as the whole team, but a Freudian slip had made him ask Chandler to join him. Kent had rapidly changes his words of course, masking his mistake. But Chandler must have heard it and he HAD said yes, leaving Kent to wonder to which part the older man actually was agreeing.

- "Right away. Tonight. I won't be here tomorrow."

- "But what about the others, sir? You aren't going to tell them!" Kent said angrily. "That's not fair! You can't just go without saying goodbye. Not after all we have been thru. You can't leave us. You're not PR, no demon. You're our inspector. Think of all the life you HAVE saved. You can't leave. What will I do without you, have you thought about that? How will I manage?"

Chandler smiled sadly looking down at his young DC standing next to him. Their eyes met and Kent stopped speaking, realizing that he once again had said I and not we. Chandler hold his gaze and Kent looked into the other mans eyes like he had never looked into them before. The blue eyes where dimmed by alcohol but behind it Kent could see the sadness and the desperation that had driven Chandler up to the roof. There was also a determination in Chandlers gaze. He had made up his mind. And there was nothing Kent could do. Chandler was going to leave Whitechapel, leave the team, leave him.

Kent couldn't bear to see it, he had to hide, so he looked down at his feet. He felt Chandler's eyes still upon him.  
It was now or never. The words where bubbling inside of him, begging to leave his lips. He didn't know if he would be able to let the words spill after having to hold them in for almost four years. You have to say something, he told himself. Something, ANYTHING or you will go mad.

- "Was it all just me? Just in my head?" Kent forced himself to lift his gaze again, meting Chandlers. The blonde man had an expression on his face that Kent hadn't really seen before. A soft look which lacked the stiffness and the sternness that Chandler normally wore like barrier around him. Kent felt like he saw the real Joseph Chandler, a private version of his superior.

- "Please Joe."

It was the first time Kent had said his bosses name out loud. He had thought a million times, murmured it to himself but never imagine saying it to Chandlers face.

Chandler sighed.

-"Which answer do you want to hear? What will make it easier to say goodbye?" He asked Kent looking tenderly at the younger man.

- "The truth Joe, I need to hear it". He had said it again. Joe, the name that he had kept in his heart for all these years. He liked the feeling of it passing his lips. It felt warm, it felt right. He wanted to scream it as loud as he could.

- "Emerson", Chandler said with a voice full of emotion. "Em..." he whispered with affection.  
"I.. I don't know... I could never have..." Chandler was struggling with the words. It would have been endearing if Kent hadn't felt that his whole life depended on what would come next.

-"It doesn't really matter, Em. Don't you see, I can never be ANYTHING to ANYONE." Chandler said with a firmer voice.

There were thousands of words hanging in the air between them, as they stood on the roof top glancing long and hard into each other eyes. But there was nothing more to be said.

Chandler broke away first, turning himself to the city again. Kent could see the shift in the other man's body. He could see Chandler putting his armour up, hiding himself behind the wall again. And the moment was gone. The man who Kent hardly knew but still loved so much had disappeared inwardly again leaving the DI standing in front of him.

Once again there was a silence. Kent felt all empty inside. Wrenched out and numbed

- "It has been an honour to serve with you Detective inspector Chandler", he finally said as his eyes teared up. He was surprised how normal his voice sounded.

- "And with you as well, DC Kent".

Kent turned to walk away, but stopped in his step and gave the other man a pat on his shoulder, just as Chandler used to do. The only touch that had ever been between the two men. Kent's hand felt like it was burning when he kept it just a few seconds to long on Chandlers back.

- "Try to be happy. If not for your own sake then for me or Miles or the rest of the people who love you", he whispered softly before Kent forced himself to walk away.

Don't look back, don't look back at him, he thought to himself. He needed to get behind the door or he would fall apart and he didn't want to do that in front of Chandler. The tears started to roll down his cheeks as he pushed down the handle. He couldn't stop hoping that he would hear Chandlers feet coming rapidly after him, closing him into his arms and telling him that he wasn't leaving. But the feet never came and Kent went through the door.

Kent glanced over his shoulder. He couldn't help himself. He wanted to see him just one last time. Chandler hadn't moved. He stood frozen by the rim. Kent ponder the fact how one man could look so regal and strong and still so hopelessly lost at the same time.

Kent made sure he closes the door firmly after him. The symbolism wasn't lost on him.


End file.
